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What is the BEST phrase or comeback you've used on the streets?

edited 24 Mar 2013 in Ask a Officer
Hey everyone, I am new to the force and I can say it's the best job in the world. ANYWAY, I have read some interesting phrases used when dealing with some scumbags. Things like..."if you run, you'll only go to jail tired." Some of those may be real, maybe not. I am anxious to hear what some of the veteran officers have said to some people on the streets similar to that. Let's have some fun brothers & sisters and see what you have to say.

Be safe out there!


  • I chased a guy once who ran, AFTER he was already caught once and cuffed, mind you. I tackled him NFL style and, since he was handcuffed, hit his head pretty hard on the sidewalk because he had no hands free to break his fall. As I helped him back to his feet I said, "Look at you, bump on the head, bleeding all over the place and you're STILL going to jail. How does that make you feel?" He replied, "Stupid, Sir. That was a really stupid thing to do"
  • I caught a guy with a warrant for a probation violation. I asked the kid if he had met with his probation officer and he replied he did not. I told him it was my job to facilitate that meeting and he was under arrest.
  • While testifying in court once, the defense attorney kept badgering at me to try to get me to say that I reacted out of anger when arresting his client. After about 7 minutes of this, he finally screams at me " You mean to tell me that when he called you a stupid mother f**ker, that you did not get mad and angry with my client, thus arresting him falsely?" I calmly replied "No". The attorney then asked me why not? I said "because, unlike you, I'm NOT a stupid mother f**ker." the judge had to call a recess because everyone was laughing so hard.
  • Upon arresting a motorcyclist for refusing to sign a citation, he resisted my handcuffing attempt, so ended up face down in the dirt with me on his back handcuffing him. The motorcyclist was about 6'4" and thin, while I was 5'8" and had a little extra weight around the middle. The motorcyclist starting yelling repeatedly throughout handcuffing and even in the back of my Crown Vic, "you fat fucking pig." When I got in the car, I calmy said, "the fat fucking pig got you in handcuffs!" The ride to jail was quiet!
  • I arrested an African American gentleman one night who was a suspect in numerous assaults. When myself and 2 other officers tried to place him in custody he naturally resisted. After a brief struggle we gained control and placed him in my cruiser. On the way to the station he starts calling me racist, a sell out, any name he could think of. (keep in mind I'm African American as well, I just have light skin) after about 2 minutes I slammed on the brakes, turned to him and asked "how am I racist? It's the black half of me locking you up!"
  • I used to tell liars not to piss down my back and tell me it was raining.. Always loved the look on their face's..
  • while working DUI task force, we have an onsite judge to sign search warrants to obtain blood on refusals. this fine gentleman refused, and I was explaining to him that a judge had signed a warrant for me to take is blood. He yelled "ya right!!! and I guess you're going to tell me, that fat fu#$ there is the judge!". At that moment the judge came over and looked at him and said......"Son I am the judge, and you can consider yourself having your initial appearance.......No bond". And walked away.
  • I had a rather cute young lady stopped for speed. I hate it when they cry to get out of a ticket. When l returned to the window with a citation, She stopped crying immediately and angrily said," I didn't think cops gave pretty girls tickets!." l immediately said "we don't" and walked off.
  • I've heard that one before UCI. can't believe it's been used! haha!
  • Years ago I arrested this kid in his early 20s. He was little jerk and on the way to the jail he kept kicking the cage. I pulled over, slowly turned around and in a low deep growl, I told him that when I got him in the P.D. parking lot, I was gonna be on him faster and harder than an Ethiopian on a Big-Mag.. I continued to stare at him and he ( unexpectedly ) began to cry and say that he would be good.. He was a very nice young man throughout the rest of the booking process.. Pled out and never saw him again…
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  • Years ago, I worked a security detail when a world class New York auction house conducted a preview of their jewelry. They showcased the treasure in Rome, Paris, London and finally in Vero Beach a week before the NYC auction. The local airport was jammed with private jets and luxury helicopters. Our museum was crawling with the ultra rich - sheiks, oil barons, industry leaders and tech gazillionaires. The valet's were parking Rolls Royce, Bentley, Jaguar, and the like. I saw Bill Gates leave a car with an attendant and begin to approach my post. My job was to prevent access to a north west door. Bill was sporting a tan professor's jacket with the leather elbow patches and matching Hush Puppy saddle shoes. When he got within a few feet, I said, "I'm sorry, Mr. Gates. But this door is closed at this time. Please access the north main door." He thanked me and went on his way. Later that evening, he signed one dollar bills for many of us cops. Basically, now my kids can brag that their dad told the richest man in the world where to go!
  • This isn't mine but hands down the best one to one comeback I've heard on the job:
    I worked in a small town in rural Canada and my partner was dealing with a spoiled brat for being drunk and under age on the street. So happens this kid was the son of the next town over's mayor. Drunkie was with a bunch of buddies, so trying to be the big man he looked at my partner (a smaller male cop) and screamed "do you know who my dad is?!". Partner didn't even think half a second and very calmly replied "why? Did your mother not tell you??"

    Even his buddies were laughing so hard they couldn't breathe!!
  • That's a line from the television series Southland. Come on, guys, use your own stories don't steal them from TV shows that ALL OF US watch
  • Not my line but I know of an overly excitable rookie who informed an CHL holder "If you go for for that gun you're gonna have to wipe your f'ing brains off the windshield before you drive home". For some reason he didn't find the line nearly as humorous as his FTO did. That line became a running joke that lasted far longer than the rook did.

    None of us were sad to see the guy leave our ranks.
  • Someone i know was on the stand testifying in a drug trafficking case. The defense was arguing that the amount of money found on the offender was not a lot of money. In an effort to prove his point, the defense brought his own wallet up to the stand and asked my buddy (the cop) to count how much money was in it. After doing this, he announced that there was a large amount. The defense commented that it wasn't alot and that he carried that much in his wallet all the time. After making his point he reached to retrieve his wallet, when my buddy pulled it back and asked the judge "does this not have to be held as an exhibit for 30 days?" (money, credit cards etc and all).... the judge agreed and although winning that argument, the defense decided to question him for 3 more hours out of spite.....
  • I arrested my assistant chief's brother for dope and I never met the guy. When he was handcuffed in the back of my unit, he screamed at me, "I'm Chip's brother". I told him that I had a pet goldfish. He asked what did it have to do with anything. I told him that we were both talking about Sh*t that didn't matter. I was fired from the department 2 months later for that incident :)
  • Needless to say, it was sooo worth it. Lol.
  • That's the sort of thing everyone in law enforcement needs to fight against. You were fired for doing the right thing. That's just sad. I hope you got on at another department with some cleaner administrative staff
  • Had a drunk guy ask me how fast I could remove my gun belt and drop my pants so he could have some fun (understandably so I was not impressed) to that I replied I'm not sure but I do know I can draw my Glock and put two in your skull in 1.2 seconds. He kept his mouth shut after that.
  • On a Domestic call, The female half was very aggressive and I placed her in handcuffs. When I did the woman yelled at me. "I would not F*@# you if you were the last man on earth. I stopped looked directly into her eyes and said "I'm glad to hear that, I don't do women"
    She never said another word all the way to booking.
    I told my wife about it when I got home, all she could do was laugh and say 'Really?"
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  • Several years ago We caught two burglars inside of an old Wal Mart turned Peddlers Mall. Upon transporting them to jail, I had to ask, What was going through their minds to think they would get away with the burglary? One responded, "Budweiser".
  • I worked four years in the jail before I went to the patrol Division. I was training a rookie one day and we were on the guardwalk when an inmate said F**K you. I replied "you wouldn't like it I would just lay there". The whole pod died laughing. I never had any problems out of that Pod. Never let em know they can push your buttons.
  • I like to yell 'Pokemon'!
    They get confused.
  • My brother (also a police officer, but in another city form me) told me a funny story. He and his partner pulled their patrol unit along side another car with some folks in it and my brother, who is driving, rolls down the window and leans out... the passenger in the other car rolls down her window, and my brother says "somebody fart in your car too?"
  • UCI727 April 2013 Flag
    I had a rather cute young lady stopped for speed. I hate it when they cry to get out of a ticket. When l returned to the window with a citation, She stopped crying immediately and angrily said," I didn't think cops gave pretty girls tickets!." l immediately said "we don't" and walked off.

    There is a youtube video of that... You???
  • I am not a cop Im a survivor. My dad was killed when I was 10. I felt like the system caused his death I spent the next7 to 8 years rebelling against anybody and everybody including cops. I regret that now have for a long time. before my 21st birthday I had to start fighting home passes and parole for my dad's killer. He had a couple of brothers that started coming around at night cutting our phone lines trying to force doors I guess they thought I would quit fighting his parole if they scared me. We did not call the cops everytime they came cause we knew they would hit the woods and been gone. One night my husband and brother were both at work so it was me and my sister and 4 babies under 4 so as soon as I heard them i called the sherriff department and they were gone before the deputy got there. We talked abit and he decided to address all the trouble i gave them in the past. He said you have had to put alarms on your doors and windows and keep a gun handy You have had to call us a couple of times and that is fine we want you to call but I have a question for you aren't you glad we don't hold grudges. I said yes sir I am. I thought that was a pretty good line. He proceeded to tell me of a number of times they intervened in situations where i could have gotten in a lot of trouble and situations were I did stupid stuff that could have brought me harm. I have spent the 28 years since that time fighting the parole of every cop killer I could and getting involved in other police issues like vest etc. Now I am coordinator of a program that fights the parole of every cop killer in America. I get asked alot the man that killed your father died in prison thanks to the passionate fight you gave but why do you still do it. I think about that comment are'nt you glad we dont hold a grudge. And then he brought up situations were they had taken steps to protect me from my own stupidness and I had no clue they knew of some of the situations There were some obviopus times they saved my but but there were apparently many more times they were there watching out for me. One of the great things about my work is it gives me a chance to shout out to my heros in blue there is someone who cares and will fight for justice for you and your family. I hope that when the lord calls me home I will still be here fighting paroles. I am still doing this for the cops that did not hold a grudge that watched over me all those years even though I was makeing their lives and jobs harder with my foolishness. Also for daddy he was an awesome dad, husband cop and friend.Also the thousands of cops and groups that helped me fight fred every year. This was in 87, I dont know how it is now but thenthe NCFOP and the NCPBA were pretty much arch enemys but almost everytime we went to the parol;e board the president of the Fop was on one side of me and the director of the PBA was on the other. Those are just a few of the reasons I continue but i can trace a starting point. His comeback Aren't you glad we dont hold a grudge. I have probably said way more than you needed to hear but sometimes a comeback can change a life.
  • When someone tries to tell me how to do my job, I just ask them what they do for a living. As soon as they answer I say "Imagine I went to your job, which I have never done, and told you how to do yours. I would be an asshole right?". That gets them to shut up usually.
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